tips

The meaning of communication…

by aileen on January 6, 2010

Yesterday at the end of my blog post about my belief that ‘you cannot not communicate’ I declared that today I would explain the meaning of communication.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could tell you “when someone says this, it means this.” Then again, we’d all know it all by now.

I think that, when we are looking at the meaning behind communication we have to look at the one person whose communication we can actually control – ourselves.

We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are. As they say in NLP – the map is not the territory. We all percieve things depending on our mood, our experiences and our expectations.

We recieve millions of bits of communication each day – and the only way our brain can really cope is by filtering the information. We do this by deleting, distorting and generalizing.

We automaticallly delete information that we don’t think is relevant to us or our experiences, we have to do this or we would suffer from information overload very quickly. We distort information instantly by picking something we have heard or felt and immediately adding on our own experiences / memories to presume what it means. This is done without us even being aware. It’s that feeling you get when someone says “Can I talk to you in private for a moment” – nothing to do with that moment, and everything to do with previous experiences and assumptions. Generalization occurs when we take a few experiences and presume they are universal, and apply them to new situations.

We provide filters for every piece of information and so does everyone else. This is why communication can be such a minefield sometimes.

The way to learn to communicate is to learn to recognize your own filters if possible. Understand that sometimes what you hear isn’t what you heard!

How we perceive communication is a choice, albeit mostly unconcious. I wish I had a magic pill, but some of you would think I was talking about something else!

Learn to listen, try not to judge and understand that we can only operate by judging. This make all sound like riddle-talk, I’m trying to make it simple.

Just know, as we all try and communicate effectively, that you have communicated perfectly your whole life to get you exactly where you are now. It’s all about you!

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You are always communicating…

by aileen on January 5, 2010

I hear it all the time “We just stopped communicating..” or “our marriage failedd due to lack of communication”. I operate from the premise that ‘you cannot NOT communicate’. What you do, even when you don’t do anything is communication.

When couples no longer share the information that they used to, when they glide past each other in the kitchen without the loving touch that used to be there, that is communicating something LOUD and CLEAR.

When your teenager stays out past curfew, or ‘borrows’ something without ‘rembering’ to ask – that is communicating loud and clear.

When someone, that used to reply to your emails almost instantly, doesn’t bother for weeks… yes, that’s communication.

You CANNOT not communicate.

Tomorrow – what it all means… what the message is behind communication.

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The Blood Drive – learning how to ask

by aileen on December 15, 2009

On Christmas Eve I’m hosting a blood drive. It’s the first time I have ever done anything like this and I’m leaning how to ask. It’s not very English to ask for things directly – We tend to hint a lot and beat around the bush. We don’t want to offend anyone by putting them in a situation where they feel awkward. So even as a communication coach, I’m wary of asking and exactly how to do it.

A bit of me wants to say: “Give Blood, you have plenty, it doesn’t cost you anything except some time and a bit of put-outwardness. Shall I sign you up?” I want to tug at heartstrings by saying: “It could be your mother, or child that needs this blood.. it will certainly be someones Mum or Dad, someones Son or Daughter”. “I want to tell everyone it’s Christmas – giving is what it’s all about”. I’ve certainly been hinting at that. I’m more comfortable telling them what they get:

A mini-health check

Possibly the coolest blood drive t-shirt ever (designed by Blake Lagneaux).. available until they run out.

Food by Jolie’s Bistro

Draw Prizes (including personal training session, gift from Vivian Alexandra, Event Planning Gift Certificates, Golf gift box.. all sorts of amazing things)

If you register online you also get a copy of my first book – and I’ll sign it for you. http://tinyurl.com/myblooddrive

There are also some surprise gifts coming – it’s gonna be fun!

I want to ask people to buy into the dream. To make this the best blood drive ever seen at UBS, Lafayette. I want everyone who comes to feel like they are a hero.. because that’s what they are. To give to a complete stranger. A gift that you will never see them use. A gift that comes when they need it most. That is the best gift of all.

I’m learning to ask, in a very English way. This is important.

So here goes. I need your blood. Sign up here http://tinyurl.com/myblooddrive If you can’t give blood I need a draw prize if you have one. If nothing else, I need you to tell others, get them involved. Call me on 337 255 4283 if you need any more information or need me to pick up a donation.

(thank you)

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OK. This is a rant!

by aileen on September 8, 2009

I’m not really one for ranting. I’m not that good at it and nothing really upsets me enough to want to share it with the world.

Ok… so maybe this isn’t quite a rant.. but I’m putting my foot down and pleading. (Does that work?).

I have been talking about this for a while now.. since I wrote about the wonderful Cynthia LaLuna’s humorous Autoresponder a few posts back. I’m not over it though. Every day at the moment I get vacation autoresponders that just make me want to never email that person again.

I am not a machine. I AM A PERSON. I’m fine with you telling me you are out of the office - you could even tell me who’ll be reading your emails while your gone, or what will be happening to them. In human language. Like you care about me, like I’m a paying client or someone who could potentially be a paying client.

This morning I got a message back from someone who works at a pet store (no names) informing me they were out of the office.. that’s fine! but they added “If this is an emergency please contact ……. ” – What kind of pet shop emergency exists, and why would I be emailing if there was an emergency??

Another person (again no names) that I email on a fairly regular basis has a bounce back message that always tells me how important I am to them, and how my message will be dealt with immediately. Very efficient but do I need to get it EVERY TIME I send you an email – even if it’s just confirming coffee?

Just because we are using a computer to communicate doesn’t mean we are robotic in any way. I want emails that are written by people and are meant to be read by people. I need this to change, and I need it to change now. I would also love to see your examples of bad email responders. I’m hoping you will go and check your own, and give it a makeover. If you are brave enough send me the before and after.

Or this might happen:

“I’m sorry, Aileen is out of the office for the next hour while she bangs her head against a brick wall because you haven’t noticed that she is a real life human being”

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NEVER IMAGINE YOUR AUDIENCE NAKED (and other speaking myths debunked)

by aileen on August 24, 2009

The great thing about being a speaker is that everyone is full of advice, the bad thing about being a speaker is that everyone is full of advice.

I have a library of speaking books and they offer a myriad of strange advice, from explaining the exact angle you should hold your hands, showing you the way you can ‘fake’ looking at an audience, and explaining ways to learn your speech ‘by heart’. I disagree with most of the generic advice out there. I definitely disagree with the following:

Imagine your audience naked – how uncomfortable and completely strange it would be to talk to a room full of naked executives. Ugh, I don’t ever want to imagine that (unless of course I’m paid lots of money to speak at a nudist camp). If you must imagine your audience as anything, imagine they are a group of interested people who are there to learn and be inspired. If anyone is comforted by imagining their audience without clothes you may want to consider other career options.

Fake eye contact: I was once shown in depth how you could ‘fake’ making eye contact with your audience, it mainly involved looking at people’s foreheads. If you look at people’s foreheads you aren’t making a connection with them, as a human-being, you aren’t getting feedback on

If they can hear you
If they understand what you are saying
If you are connecting with their needs and desires
If they are cold, hot, bored, lost, in the wrong room etc..

Eye contact works both ways – it makes your audience feel connected and involved and it gives you feedback. The only eye-contact that works is real, genuine eye contact. The only time you don’t get to do this is when you are on stage and have bright lights that mean that you can’t see the audience. In that case you just act ‘as if’ you can see them, keep the contact genuine!

Practice in a mirror. Arghhhh, yes I know Churchill apparently never gave a speech without practicing in a mirror first but your speech isn’t about you – it’s about your audience. It’s not about knowing every word by heart, it’s about speaking from the heart. It’s about connection.

Listen to all the advice you get and disregard all the stuff that you don’t agree with (even all the stuff I tell you)

Speaking isn’t acting – it’s about Being you, and you can break every so-called ‘rule’ if you are just being you. So feel free not to read this article, or read it and then forget every word, except the bit about BEING YOU. That’s all you really need on stage. The audience wants a real person to connect to, and that’s you being you. I know it doesn’t take a whole book to tell you this, and it seems so simple that anyone can do it, but it’s the truth, simple and straight up.

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THE BEST OF…

by aileen on July 18, 2009

So the new web site is done. I have had a crash course in WordPress and Thesis. Thanks to CynthiaLaLuna and Brian Bille, I nearly understand it.
I wondered about the blog, and went back and forth. Should I upload all the previous posts or not. I compromised, and will be including the most popular posts from the last few years among my new posts. The best of both worlds!
I have decided to start with the TOP TIPS videos that got so much feedback – see the last ten posts. I wanted them to be where you can find them.
So here is my first flashback, all the way back to the beginning of the year : my manifesto for 2009, it’s good for me to be reading it again:
MANIFESTO
1644, from It. manifesto “public declaration explaining past actions and announcing the motive for forthcoming ones,” originally “proof,” from L. manifestus (see manifest)

This is my public declaration for 2009.

Past Actions: an explanation. I set out with the best intentions, when I got it wrong or made people feel smaller than they were it was out of insecurity and lack of self-belief. It wasn’t about them, it was about me. Sometimes I forgot to trust my instincts and operated from a place of insecurity and obscurity. Some days I was ambiguous about my intentions and goals and expected to achieve them anyway.

Forthcoming Actions:
Everyday I will be positive – I will operate from a place of contentment, knowledge and belief. I will make others feel more around me, I will recognize the best bits of me in them, and them in me. I will find genuine connections with myself, with my higher power and with everyone I meet. I will forgive you when you get it wrong, I will forgive myself too. I will help as many people as I can get what they want. There is no holding back this year. NO FEAR. NO EXCUSES.

I invite you to take a risk, put out there (in public) what you want, what you doubt, lets stop hiding who we are and watch what happens.

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